Modern Mommy relationships: Tippin' with kids in the house

February 27, 2015 9:29 PM MST
Him: Do your kids ever go to sleep? 
Me: No, they stay up as long as possible to drive mommy insane. 

I am not a robot (most days) nor a prude. All adult humans need adult interactions but when Mommy has older kids the living space shrinks dramatically. We all have old memories of our parents attempting to have quick, discreet, respectable sex, however kids are nosey. The sneakier kids are able to quickly figure out what Mommy is up to and run away from the door, forever changed. Gross mommy and her nasty sex needs. But how will Mommy get her sex needs met if her children are up at prime booty call hours? I don't have the answer. My daughter only cares about any food or soda that may come her way but smarmy comments from my son are like nails on a chalkboard. I have endured next-day commentary like, "why is your bed so messed up?" and "what were you all doing in there?" But then, my son just gave up. He was finally old enough to know, be embarrassed for me and him and just not ask. It is not like when he was six and I'd prepare something with mashed potatoes and gravy, meat and let nature take its course.(Yes, even children get Itis.) Now that my son is 16 and likes to stay up and play multi-player video games and eat up all of the available food, we are all up together— and I don't know how to have discreet, respectable sex as I am a banshee. It's a part of my charm. I bought my son headphones and that works out pretty well. He knows what to do when he sees mom and guest take the march of shame to the bedroom. I can imagine how we are viewed: First comes the giggling and such then the quiet, then the occasional noise. I thought about putting a chair in the closet. The clothing serves as a barrier, absorbing sound. It may work. However, it did not help one bit that my son, one day after shopping pulled a huge, black box of condoms out of the bag laughing, waving them in the air and shouting, "what's this?" I shouted, "condoms for mommy." I don't know what he thought it was. I did not ask. Looking closer at the item, he said he thought it was something for him and placed it back in the bag, looking confused and slightly embarrassed. I was stunned numb but used to my children's humiliating activities. However, what child wants to be confronted with his mother's sexuality? We did not speak of the event again. So, I cannot have sex in peace, nor can I purchase condoms without my children knowing about it. So much for gross mommy’s nasty sex needs.

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